Who Should Pay On Dates? - The Argument That Never Died

Do you remember the days when dating was easy? HA! Don’t bother answering that. For as long as I could remember, it was even more difficult just to muster the courage to ask a girl out, much less actually date her. I would be so afraid that she would say no, and I thought, if I was ever lucky enough to get a girl to agree to go out with me, then that’s wifey right there. I would marry her the very next week, and have four kids. Don’t ask me for particulars, okay? The plan was the plan, and there was no better plan. Such were the fantasies of a humble fifteen year old boy.

But, the first time that I ever went on a date, I never really paused to ponder, “who should pay for it?” I mean, why would I? It was never a question. It was a rule, an expectation. It was a fundamental truth. It was absolute. It was tradition. It was, and always will be the way it’s supposed to be. There was no discussion, because it made complete sense. The rule was something like:

It is the responsibility of the man to take care of the bill when he is wining and dining a lady.

What I did not realize, was that the very question of who should pay on dates, had become something of a controversy that brought a lot of anxiety and tension to the dating game. For a moment, I decided to forget everything I thought I knew and really look at this from different perspectives, which is the reason why for this particular discussion, I solicited the opinions of my readers.

Over the years, relationships have evolved, and so have the traditions associated with “courting” and “dating”. Needless to say, societal expectations of the roles that men and women should play in pursuing one another, are no longer the same. The rules have changed. The game has changed, but for some reason, this particular argument endured. I mean, was it really that important? There was just so much tension surrounding this itty-bit of a thing. When I was dating, you could say I had ninety-nine problems, but who should pay, was not one of them. I had far bigger concerns like:

1. What should I wear?

2. Should I bring flowers? Would it be too much?

3. What should I talk about?

4. Am I talking too much? Should I spend most of the time listening to her?

5. When would be the right time to kiss her? Would it be ok to do it on the first date?

6. If I do kiss her, should it be closed lips? Open lips? Tongue? No tongue?

7. If I hugged her, should I hold her close? Or maybe do the “ass out” hug because I don’t want to get too close?

8. Would I seem too desperate if I called her later that night?

9. How long should I wait before asking her out again?

10. When would be the right time to have sex? First date? Second? Third?

I could go on and on. My point is, these other issues were of far greater concern for me because there were no specific rules governing what I should or shouldn’t do, and I did not know the expectations of the person that I was dating, therefore I did not feel in control, which was the real problem. Following “rules” on how to go about doing these things, made us feel in control. Following “rules” allowed us to escape the vulnerability of having to operate too much outside of our comfort zone. When we take women out on dates, our goal is to be as charming as possible in order to influence the thoughts and behavior of the women that we are with in such a way, that we become more desirable in the end. Our goal is to be in control, and we could only do it one of two ways: 1) By being our authentic selves OR 2) By putting on a facade. It is worth noting however, that no matter what we do, we cannot actually control the outcome of a date anymore than a human being could walk on water.

Having sat down and thought really hard about this, I realized that there actually are no specific rules governing who should pay on dates either. There never was. The fact that we get hung up on this question shows on some level, that we are afraid of defying some divine authority that was never real to begin with. I think the answer to this question depends on the individual. For me personally, having to pay for dinner and a movie in exchange for having a grand time with, and getting to know a beautiful woman, or really just being able to see what a person's made of, is a price that I can live with. Of course, some people would prefer to not pay for the date, and then there are those who would prefer to “go dutch” and pay their own way.

You see, it all comes down to whether we want to or not. Therefore when dating, we should operate from a place of preference rather than from what we believe the other person, or even society expects from us. That way, we won’t have any delusions as to why we are doing it, and it reduces the anxiety associated with having to follow some perceived obligation, or wondering whether or not we are doing the “right” thing. Of course, our past experiences would also play a role in our decision-making to some degree.

If you prefer to pay for the date then do it. If you do not want to, then don’t do it. Believe it or not, it is as simple as that.

There is a lot of trial and error when it comes to dating because most times, we are dealing with a complete stranger, so in order to be comfortable and do what’s right for us, we have to act within our value structure. Whatever shape or form that takes, we must understand the “why”, and we should not be ashamed of it.

This of course, applies to both men and women. We cannot build strong foundations in the dating world if we aren’t being true to ourselves. At the same time, being authentic is not a guarantee that we would get the desired outcome. Interestingly enough, from hours of research and watching social media, it became clear to me that we have been engineered to pretend to be someone else in order to appear more attractive to the person we want to date. Most times, what we are being told or encouraged to do, does not really align with who we are on a fundamental level. The problem with this tactic, is that we create a foundation that is built entirely on lies, which of course would not hold up for very long. Inevitably, when everything comes crashing down, it breeds a lot of resentment and negative emotion, which is exactly why we should not be paying for dates because we think we have some obligation to do so.

And speaking of resentment, this knack that we have for taking a simple situation and complicating the hell out of it, because of our eagerness to play mind games, is truly astounding.

Some men for example, would pay for dates because they believe that spending money on a woman entitles them to sex (just so we’re clear, it doesn’t). They then become resentful, and outright pissed when the woman does not follow the program and rejects them. If your only intention is to wine, dine and then sixty-nine, then you must not have had much respect for the woman to begin with, therefore you’re just setting yourself up for failure. Stop it.

Then, you have men who would pay for dates, and continue to pay again and again, all the while, quietly keeping count of how much money they’re spending, just to determine if the woman is truly a “gold-digger”. They then become resentful and even shocked when they finally figured out that they in fact, were being taken advantage of. It is painfully naive and idiotic to hand someone a gold spoon and expect them not to eat with it. Stop it.

I’m not being selective here, so how about one for the women? Some women go on dates expecting the man to pay, yet at the end, they pull out their wallets and make a big show of wanting to pay the tab, then become resentful when the man takes them up on their offer and they actually have to swipe their card. If you want to put a man’s chivalry to the test, there are far better ways to do it. Stop it.

All I’m saying, is that we can avoid the unnecessary anxiety of dating by being true to ourselves and sticking to our values. Whatever we do on dates should be out of genuine desire, rather than out of fear or a sense of obligation. It does not matter what expectations people have of us, we should not be doing things that we aren’t comfortable with. So, you wanted to know who should pay on dates? That is for you to decide.

What works for you?

Your thoughts?