There Aren’t Any Good Men Or Women Left To Date - The Lie We Tell Ourselves

A couple days ago I was hanging out with some of my fellow medical students whom I consider as friends, you know, just chitting-the-chat while waiting for the school bus to arrive to take them home. And somehow, the question came up, “Are there any good men or women left to date?” To my surprise, every other person in the group gave a resounding “no”, and it was a very interesting response considering the fact that every single one of them had great qualities and core values that would make them worthy of pursuit. Or maybe I was just barking mad?

This difference of opinion got me thinking hard, and I came to realize that it was actually quite a popular one. Apparently, good men and women are a dime-a-dozen nowadays and it’s like, where the hell are people getting this idea from? You know what I think? I think that social media has done quite a number on us, specifically Tik-Tok. It’s amazing the extent to which the bad experiences of just a few can influence the mindset of a far greater number of people.

Overtime, social media has become somewhat of an “asylum” for the mentally ill, who day after day, project and propagandize their negative beliefs about what love is, and what relationships should be like, giving rise to the inevitable disillusioned and toxic “red-pill” society. Take for example, podcasts such as “Fresh N Fit”, “Whatever” and “Just Pearly Things” that have built their relationship perceptions on nothing but negative experiences, spotty research and false assumptions. Ironically, they have become part of the leading authorities on relationships.

Our own personal experiences aside, social media has propagated this idealized and stylized version of every single facet of our lives that is either far better or far worse than the reality that we live in, and I believe that it has corrupted our belief system to some degree. But before we unpack this appalling doctrine, let’s get some of the obvious stuff out of the way, shall we?

Firstly, “there are no good men or women left to date” is a glaring overstatement. Now, I am not trying to diminish or dismiss the terrible experiences that we all have had with regards to dating and relationships. It’s a minefield, no doubt about it, and a lot of us have been to hell and back. Most, if not all of us, have had our hearts broken many a time, and just when we thought the worst was behind us, it happens all over again. These experiences have caused us to become cynical and sometimes even bitter, and it’s no wonder. But, do our bad relationship experiences really change the reality? Given what we have been through, do you think a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship is still worth pursuing? Do you think that your prince or princess charming is still out there waiting for you to find them? Do you really think that good men and women are extremely rare in this world?

Contrary to popular belief, the world is full of good men and good women. Yes, there are a lot of them that are already taken, but believe it or not, there are a whole lot more that aren’t, so if what I am saying is true, then why are they so hard to find?

I mean, don’t get me wrong. We all know that pursuing a healthy relationship is not easy at all. There are as they say, “plenty of fish in the sea”, but exactly how we go about catching them is an entirely different conversation. The problem is why we think there aren’t any at all.

Having made countless mistakes myself in pursuing women, I recognized a trap that most of us probably have fallen prey to. It’s amazing how more often than not, we tend to be perceptive of everyone else but ourselves. Whenever we fail at something over and over again, we make the assumption that the reason for it must be because there is something wrong with the people around us. While that may be true to some extent, we still use it as a smoke screen to avoid having to acknowledge the common denominator in all of it. Us. And therein lies the real problem.

I've said time and time again that we attract people who reflect our beliefs about what love is and what relationships should be like, and if overtime we have harbored unhealthy beliefs about these things, then it stands to reason that we would be attracted to people who reflected those beliefs. Being that the case, we would have had the habit of gravitating toward toxic, and emotionally unavailable people not because they're the only ones around, but because we have grown accustomed to settling into roles that we are all too familiar with.

I think the reason we believe that there aren’t any good men or women left to date anymore is because we’re simply not attracted to them. That’s just it. I mean, think about it. If we have such negative and unhealthy perceptions about relationships, do you honestly believe that it wouldn’t manifest into some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy? As long as we persist with this negative mindset, we would continue looking in all the wrong places for love, and it would ultimately decrease the likelihood of us finding the right person. This level of cynicism makes it difficult for us to recognize a good woman or man for what they are, and even if on some level we were able to do just that, we turn on our “full of shit” mentality, overthink the hell out of it and focus on some arbitrary imperfection or trait to justify why they may not be “the one” after all.

I’ve seen too many people throw away or friend-zone people with great qualities, people who were great relationship material, because it just didn’t align with the mistreatment that they were used to. Hell, I’ve done it myself, and you know what happened after? We inevitably gravitated back towards the assclowns, scratching our heads in confusion, wondering why the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. For some of us, basic love, trust and decency are all but uncharted territory that frightens us and triggers our “fight-or-flight” response. We try to convince ourselves that there aren’t any more good men or women left to date in an attempt to avoid having to change our unhealthy pattern of behavior.

By refusing to look inward and accepting the fact that we need to change, it becomes harder for us to take responsibility and to fix our internal issues, thus making it easier for us to justify our continued investments into other unhealthy relationships, rationalizing that it would make no sense trying to go a different way.

Unfortunately, it is one of the reasons why we continue running around chasing breadcrumbs, and we end up settling for far less than we deserve. And you most likely will if you resign yourself to the belief that the probability of finding a decent man or woman is so low, that you would most likely never come across it in your lifetime. That's just not living a full life now is it?

We have to start doing things differently, and the best place to begin is by changing the way we think. We can't continue on with a negative mindset, believing that something so good is so rare and that all we are left with are the assclowns and emotionally unavailable chumps to get jiggy with because that's just not the reality. There are lots and lots of good women and men out there waiting for you to grab them up. And I say “waiting for you” because it’s not like they’re just going to fall out of the sky onto your doorstep. Pursuit of a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship does require a bit of active participation on your part.

Give it a try!

Your thoughts?