That Overwhelming Need To Confess Our Past Relationship Sins To Our New Partner

Everyone is full of snakes. Everyone. And what that means is, we all have a checkered past. We have all made mistakes. We have all done things that we’re not proud of. The reality is that if people could see who we were, and the things that we had done, they would probably run. Probably. But, like many of the choices we make in our lives, the decision to pursue a loving, healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship with someone, regardless of their past, is more of an act of faith, than anything else. I think it’s because the evidence that everything will go to hell one day is rather…ambiguous. We do not know how things would play out.

But, just because we’ve had a bad past, or bad past relationship experiences, does that mean that we aren’t deserving of a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship? I guess the answer to that question depends on the degree to which we believe that our past has a bearing on our future.

Speaking of which, have you ever been in a relationship with someone that you saw a future with, but in the beginning of it, you had this burning desire to “come clean” about your bad past relationship experiences? This urge was like a gnat at a family barbecue. No matter how much times you swatted away the little bugger, it just kept coming back. This urge…painful, yet seductive, coupled with almost overwhelming anxiety, not just from the prospect of opening up, but also from the fear of what might happen after the truth was revealed.

While on some level we might recognize that we’re not exactly in over our heads, we rationalize that by not “confessing” our past experiences, we are somehow dooming the relationship, and that the outcome would be much worse than if we were truthful about it. I too was afflicted with this urge to “wipe clean” a new relationship slate that was never dirty to begin with, and I remember the thoughts that were playing over and over in my mind:

She has a right to know. She deserves to know.

If I don’t tell her, our entire relationship would be based on lies. I don’t want to lie to her.

What kind of person would keep something like this from her? A terrible person, that’s what.

But what would happen if I did tell her? She might definitely leave me. Who wouldn’t?

Then again, she might not leave. Maybe she would understand.

She can’t leave, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know.

Who am I kidding? I don’t deserve someone like her. Look at the things I’ve done.

She would not want to be with someone as terrible as me.

Maybe I can convince her somehow that I have changed?

Maybe I should leave instead, make it easier on her.

I’m a dumbass for thinking that this would ever work.

These thoughts were nerve-racking…debilitating. I didn’t want to have them, but I could not control them at the time. And it really begged the question. One that I didn’t really take the time to sit and ponder:

Is it necessary for us to “confess” our bad relationship experiences with someone new?

The answer is, no. It is not necessary. Here’s the thing. This fear of judgement of our past, as well as the dreadful anticipation that they’re going to leave us because of it, stems from us putting our partners on pedestals and believing that they are perfect by comparison. They aren’t. Not by any stretch of the imagination. So, at this point, we really need to backtrack and figure out first of all, where this urge is coming from, and even more importantly, what purpose it is going to serve in a long-term commitment. I mean, what exactly is your partner supposed to do with that information?

When starting a new relationship, the urge to “fess-up” to our bad relationship experiences, shows that on some level, we may not have forgiven ourselves for our past transgressions. Even more worrisome, is the indication that by needing to tell them, we’re in fact looking to pawn off the responsibility onto our partner, to forgive us for a past that they were not even a part of. I’m sorry to say, but that’s not their job. It’s yours.

Despite the fact that an ample amount of time has passed, and we have done our dues, we still keep our noses to the ground, so to speak, sniffing for any little clue that might prove that we are still “bad” and that we were never deserving of a healthy and mutually-fulfilling relationship with this person in the first place. The problem with this sort of self-destructive behavior is that even if, God forbid, our new partner were to treat us differently because of our past, it still would not validate our fears because they were based off a faulty premise anyway. Then again, if your partner is bent on chastising you for something you had already made amends for, and using it as a means to control you, then you are most likely dealing with a narcissist.

We need to understand that while our past does affect our future to some degree, it does not determine who we are on a fundamental level. Maybe we made some questionable choices, and we might have even done terrible things to others and to ourselves in our past relationships. Some of us might have endured a suffering that’s worse than death. A broken heart is no small thing. It is a pain beyond measure, beyond sorrow. I know you’ve heard this so many times that it’s probably cliche by now, but, we’re only human. Nobody is perfect. Nobody.

One thing about past experiences, is that we never really come away from them with less knowledge. We may not have the power to change the past, but what we can do, is use the knowledge that we have gained to learn from our mistakes, to grow, to make better choices, and to foster healthier boundaries. At some point, we have to take our heads off the chopping block and move forward, and in order to do that, we need to make peace with our past. We need to forgive ourselves. We need to love ourselves. We need to be kind to ourselves. There is no point in holding our own feet to the fire for a lengthy period of time. Not only would it prevent us from moving on, but it would also prevent us from being present in our new relationship.

By no means am I suggesting that you shouldn’t talk about your bad experiences with your new partner at all. I am saying that if you do decide to talk about it, it should be out of a genuine desire to share a part of your past life, without the lingering shame that once came with it. It should not be out of some perceived obligation. Your past relationship experiences do not define who you are, and it certainly isn’t a prelude to how your new relationship would turn out. They are only just experiences. Nothing more.

If you are happy and content in your relationship, then do not go creating a problem where there isn’t one.

Your thoughts?