Rebound Relationships: Why it’s just not a good idea

Rebound relationships…such an enigma…almost like listening to a song that we don’t like, yet we can’t help but sing along to it as it repeats itself again and again and again…and again. We are slaves to a desire that does not grant us power, no matter how many times we come back to it. I’m willing to bet my medical school tuition that we’ve all been here before, or most of us at least. It is an inevitability for most of us who have been hurt at some point in our lives, but for some reason, the “why” always escapes us. And it is the “why” that is important.

It is human nature to try and avoid pain and suffering because we don’t want to suffer anymore stupidly than we have to, right? But, time and time again we find ourselves wandering through the places we have already been, to seek that which we know full well would only hurt us in the end. We want to avoid it. We may even try our best to avoid it, but somehow our desire for it overrides our ability to see the inevitable until the happened has…happened. Curious isn’t it?

It should not be, but there’s just something about an emotionally unavailable person that we’re drawn to. We know this. They know that we know. But we make believe that we don’t know. And they make believe that we believe that we don’t know. But really, we know.

What is a “rebound relationship” you might ask? It is a romantic relationship that a person has entered into, without having properly recovered from a previous breakup. I’ll admit that this is probably an oversimplification because there is a bit more to it than I’m letting on. Consider this: if you are in a relationship with someone who had recently broken up with their ex, divorced, separated, or even widowed, they may not have passed the grieving stage and most likely have not healed from the breakup. As such, I think it is safe to say that these people are not emotionally available, which is why it is just not a good idea to place yourself in such a risky situation because you would be the rebound: someone who is only there to help them get over their ex; someone they could use to avoid having to deal with the pain of their previous loss. You would become the Fallback Guy/Girl. Doesn’t sound like a good gig does it?

Let’s drop the pretences. We know perfectly well that being in a relationship with someone who isn’t emotionally available would not end well for us. Despite the fact, we continue to cling to the delusion that we could be the exception, and that somehow the rules don’t apply to us because our situation is “different”. I get it, trust me. I am willing to meet you halfway and acknowledge that maybe if the circumstances were different, the relationship might actually have worked out. That person may have been the right one for you. But, pursuing someone based on a hypothetical is a recipe for disaster, because of our refusal to accept the current circumstances as they are and act accordingly.

I know what you want. You want to be their knight in shining armor. You want to save them. You want them to feel safe and secure with you. And it’s okay. Maybe that is what they deserve. Maybe it isn’t. But let’s face it. You cannot love someone out of their emotional unavailability. Unfortunately, I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

For a long time, I had asked myself over and over, why people used us in order to hide from their pain and avoid having to confront their emotions until they were ready to pursue something more meaningful. I couldn’t understand it. It took me a couple years to realize that I was asking the wrong question.

The right question was something like:

“Why do we allow ourselves to be used as a safe haven for people who are emotionally damaged, instead of investing in something that does not require us to become an indispensable doormat for the needs of others?”

Like I said, it is the “why” that is important. It is the “why” that separates us from them. When we provide a nice and warm refuge for someone to recover from their previous relationship, are we doing it out of the goodness of our hearts? Are we doing it because we want to maximize our service to mankind? I think not. We all have hidden agendas, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, and while we may be aware of it on a conscious or unconscious level, it isn’t enough to prevent us from acting against our own self-interest.

By abandoning our values and switching off our boundaries, we tend to their wounds. We give them the attentions that they need. We assure them that we’d always be there, no matter what. We show them that no one could ever love them as much as we do. And we do all of this in the hope that maybe, just maybe, they would one day reward us with the relationship that we want. They would love us in the way that we want. Some might even go as far as thinking that they are entitled to it because of what they have given.

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but through all of this, the only thing we managed to accomplish is becoming the bridge between them and their next relationship. You see, the reason we persist, even if we have to suffer for the sins of the ex, is because we are expecting a return on our investment. We want our efforts to have counted for something, and it is precisely for this reason that we don’t just feel immeasurable heartache when it doesn’t work out. We also feel somewhat misled when they suddenly become emotionally available for someone else, which proves that we were only there to play the role of “emotional airbag” and “armchair psychologist”. This is a pain that I understand all too well. It tears your heart out and plunges you into a black hole of rage and confusion.

Now don’t get me wrong. This isn’t about us wallowing in self pity and cynicism about the world around us because of the people who have hurt us. This is about our ability to acknowledge the role that we play in our own demise, and in order to do that, there are some things that we need to understand.

Firstly, trying to fix a broken vessel of hurt and emotions in order for it to come through for us doesn’t just indicate their emotional unavailability. It indicates ours as well. More often than not, we tend to overestimate our capacity to love someone out of their pain and trauma, and make them forget. We dive into “Fix-it-Felix” mode, believing that it is our responsibility to make everything better, thus priming them for a future relationship with…not us.

Secondly, people attempting to transition into a new relationship without having recovered from their last, overestimate their capacity to show up for someone new, and while they might use you in order to forget about their ex, it is not always intentional. Now, things begin to get dicey when they realize that you’re actually great relationship material, but instead of doing the decent thing and leaving you be, they keep you around until such time when they’re finally ready for a committed relationship. Maybe it is because they’re under the belief that given time, they may eventually grow to love you. Or maybe, it is because they are afraid that if they let you go, someone else might snatch you up and they would lose out on a golden opportunity. I guess you could say it’s a perfect example of wanting to “have your cake and eat it too”. They want the fringe benefits of a relationship without the pressure of commitment, and while it is completely understandable, it does not justify keeping you on a back-burner as though you don’t have better things to do with your time.

That being the case, it is down to you to do what is right and cease engaging with people on the rebound. I’ve said before that you cannot put forth expectations for other people’s behavior based on your own moral compass, because if I’m being honest, had the roles been reversed, you would most likely have ended up doing the very same thing. If a person cannot be honest with themselves about their capacity for commitment in a new relationship, then it stands to reason that they would be incapable of making the hard decision if it came down to it. So, you’re going to have to. It will be painful, especially if you have already invested a lot, but it would be a hell of a lot better than the alternative.

Rebound relationships…such a pointless endeavor. But, it is an inevitability for most of us who have been hurt at some point in our lives. It is okay for you to want to be loved and cherished. It is okay to want to be there for someone and help them through their pain and suffering. It is okay to fall in love with someone and want to be a part of their lives. But it should not come at the price of demoralizing yourself. Perhaps it is best to not pursue someone who is fresh out of a relationship, and work on yourself, instead of relying on someone changing to give you what you want. That would only be piss-poor planning on your part.

Your thoughts?