Just take the hint!

Now I know what you’re thinking,

“Why is it that people can’t just be upfront and say what they want from me so I would know where I stand?” That’s the million dollar question isn’t it?

I was scrolling through Facebook and I came across a post which put into perspective the way some of us think. I admit, there was a time when the logic of this thought process seemed undeniable. I was convicted in my perceptions. In hindsight, I realized how unhealthy these perceptions were. I’ve worked for a long time trying to rectify them, and I wanted us to unpack them together.

I get it. People should be direct and honest with us at all times, letting us know what their true intentions are, right? I guess only then can we make an informed decision about how we should react to whatever they are giving to us. Why should we be the ones that have to take the hints and figure out what they’re really up to? It’s ironic that the person in their post used the word “goofy”, because it pretty much describes this line of thinking. I mean, if this is what we truly expect from other people then I guess it’s safe to say that we still have some growing up to do.

Time for a little tough love.

We cannot put forth expectations for other people’s behavior based on our own moral compass and how we would think or act in certain situations. It’s damn near time we got with that program. The fact that we have to place all of the responsibility on someone else to verbally confirm what we already know or have guessed at, doesn’t just indicate our inability or refusal to take a hint and act accordingly. It indicates our lack of trust in ourselves to make the obvious decision, as well as our inability to set and maintain boundaries. Needless to say, this lack of social awareness and self-respect has detrimental effects on our relationships. It definitely did with mine.

“Actions speak louder than words” is a saying that we are all familiar with, yet it is one that we like to play fast and loose with. When someone indirectly or covertly shows us through their actions that they are either emotionally unavailable or that they are not that into us, it is our responsibility to take what is being given to us at face value, act accordingly and get out. However, more often than not, we tend to over analyze the person’s behavior, rationalizing that since they haven’t actually said the words, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you”, it somehow means that there is a still a chance that they might “come around”. It’s as if the shady behavior in itself wasn’t clear enough. Can we really afford to be this naive?

My friend at medical school was telling me about this guy she was dating. From the outside looking in, I thought they looked great together. When she spoke about him, her face lit up like a Christmas tree. I could tell she was really into him. However, she did complain that she didn’t get to spend enough time with him although they were both attending the same school. Also, she complained that he was reluctant to hold her hand or display any kind of affection in public or around the other students. According to her, the reason was because he didn’t want the other students gossiping about or criticizing their relationship. I rolled my eyes and asked her if she honestly believed that that was the real reason. The look she gave me…it was as though I dashed a glass of water in her face. Damn it! Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so blunt, but I felt that I had to bring that train of thought out of her periphery to the forefront.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Instead of walking away, we minimize the assclownery by making excuses for their behavior because we simply refuse to take the hint. It’s like saying, “I kinda know that you’re playing me but I’m not going to believe that you don’t want to be with me until I hear it you say it.” I mean…seriously? How many more hints do we really need in order for the realization to sink in? Why do we choose to wait until the situation spirals out of control and they end up doing something truly diabolical to us in order to make us leave?

We need to dispense with the notion that shady people have a good sense of morality and that they would announce ahead of time that they are planning to play games with us, or use and abuse us. Expecting this level of consideration from someone who doesn’t have our best interests at heart, falls precisely into the realm of “bullshitting ourselves”. Contrary to popular belief, it is not exactly difficult to see the breadcrumbs for the clues that they are.

Case in point:

If a person says, “I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Hint - They are not ready for a relationship. They are emotionally unavailable. At which point you should be walking away.

If a person says, “I cannot give you what you want.”

Hint- They cannot give you what you want. Again, walk away. It is pointless trying to convince someone that they are capable of giving what they do not have.

If a person is lying to you,

Hint - they are liars and cannot be trusted. Walk away.

If a person is cheating on their partner with you,

Hint - they are dishonest, with serious commitment issues. There is no evidence to suggest that they would be loyal to or honest with you. Run.

If a person keeps making promises that they never follow through with,

Hint - they are full of shit. It’s not a good idea to get yourself caught in a rollercoaster of false hope and disappointment. Walk away.

The list goes on and on. There are many reasons why we choose to ignore red flags, one of them being that we believe on some level that we know better. We don’t. It is important for us to trust our intuition and do right by ourselves. We have to take these indicators as they are and not how we would like them to be. In an ideal world, everyone would be honest and forthcoming with us, but we don’t live in an ideal world unfortunately. There are people who simply do not want to, or do not have the capacity to communicate in the way that we want or expect them to. Having said that, it is the reason why we need to be observant of not just what people say to us, but also how they behave.

Just take the hint.

Your thoughts?