Betting On Potential - How Lucky Do You Feel?

Sometimes I think that I'm some sort of bad luck charm, because whenever my friends take me to casinos with them to gamble, they always lose, haha. Based on what I've read however, casinos are by design, instruments of corruption, and participating in their gambling games is like playing on the devil's playground. The chances of winning big are slim-to-none, and I think it becomes even more apparent when you actually need to win. So, maybe it isn't me. I mean, gambling is a game of finesse and skill, but there is also a huge luck component to it, not to mention the variety of games that one can play, such as poker (which to this day, I have no idea how it works), blackjack, baccarat and others. From what I have observed by watching my friends play these games, I gathered three things: 1) They definitely had no idea what they were doing, 2) The house always wins, and 3) Nobody ever wins when they need to anyway.

The interesting thing is that whenever my friends lost their money, they would go back again and again with some sort of feral vengeance. It's as though they believed they would get smarter with every turn and eventually win. Ninety-nine percent of the time that was not the case. They’d start off with so much enthusiasm, only to go home with empty pockets and almost inconsolable rage. They just didn't know when to quit.

Yes, I know you're waiting for me to get to the point. Over the weekend, I was watching the 2006 James Bond movie, "Casino Royale" for like the 215th time, and the gambling scene sparked a thought that I wanted to share with you about "betting on potential" in relationships. Now, I used this as an analogy because I believe that betting on potential is like the relationship equivalent of gambling. Sometimes, we enter into certain relationships knowing full well that the chances of winning big are infinitesimal, but we muddle through anyway believing somehow that the longer we play, we will eventually win big, without giving fair thought as to what we could lose in the process (i.e. our self-esteem, self-respect, time, energy etc.).

I’m sorry to have to say this, but we as humans possess a high affinity for bullshitting ourselves. While we might have the capacity to recognize when a relationship isn't going anywhere, hope brings out our irrational side. This causes us to time and time again, disregard vital information, ignore the red flags and minimize the assclown behavior, rationalizing that even if they're not showing the capacity for commitment right now, they would obtain that capacity at some point (from where, I don’t know), if we remain patient.

So, now that they have managed down our expectations, we take it upon ourselves to compensate for their lack of emotional commitment and support by engaging in more self-debilitating behaviors (eg. people-pleasing, perfectionism and over-empathy), all the while hoping and praying that at some point, they would feel obliged to rectify their behavior and turn in to our ideal partner. If you ask me, that’s making a huge gamble, don’t you think? It’s as if we’re saying, “Don’t worry baby, I’ll carry the relationship for both of us until you’re ready to give me what I want”. While I admire the lofty aspirations some of us have in these situations, we cannot afford to be shouldering that much responsibility in our relationships, while laboring under the delusion that we’re doing it out of pure “unconditional” love. We’re not.

It is extremely important that we understand what real potential is if we’re going to be placing a big bet, wouldn’t you agree? But first, I’m going to tell you what it is not. One of the things we tend to do while dating an emotionally unavailable person, is place them on a pedestal. And while we have them up there admiring the hell out of them, we start projecting our unhealthy ideas about what love is, and what relationships should be like, placing all of our chips on empty promises and behavior that we haven’t even seen yet. Do you see the problem here? We cannot determine true potential based on inconsistencies in their words and actions. We cannot determine true potential based on something we think we can see in them, that they apparantly cannot see in themselves. Consider this: if you are getting signals bright as day that someone isn’t willing or capable of giving you what you want, it is not a cue to start investing more into the relationship in an attempt to change the nature of someone who is clearly not right for you on a fundamental level.

I know it can be very difficult to acknowledge that we might have been wrong about someone. Perhaps it is the reason we try so hard to Jedi-mind trick them into becoming who we envisioned them to be, but at what cost? We sacrifice the very essence of who we are by not taking appropriate action. We hide out in ignorance, emotionally malnourished because we’re trying to survive on relationship breadcrumbs, while firmly reassuring ourselves that we would leave when “things get bad”. But, you know what really worries me? At what point would the mistreatment and indifference qualify as “bad”? What would it take for us to do right by ourselves, and opt out?

Just like my friends constantly running back to the table with more money, we keep going back again and again, figuratively throwing our morals, values and boundaries at the dealer, begging to be dealt back into the game, hoping each time that the outcome might be different. If this isn’t the very definition of “relationship insanity”, then I don’t know what is. We continue to act against our own self-interest, investing more and more into a relationship capacity that is just not there. It’s devastating that some of us have to learn this lesson the hard way, and by the time we come to the realization that all we’ve been doing was flogging a dead horse, so to speak, we might have already lost everything. I did. I made multiple bad investments against my better nature, because I was under the delusion that I could be the exception, and that I could control the uncontrollable.

Having said all that, how do we determine true potential? I think the only way in which we can do this, is by observing action that is consistent and positive despite any and all circumstances. We have to look very carefully at a person’s core values, and if it does truly align with ours, then we could say with perfect utility that this person is showing true potential for a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship.

I have said it many times that it is important for us to take what is being given to us at face value, keep our feet grounded in reality, and understand that we simply do not have the power to change people. Sometimes, we need to call it as it is, and stop figuratively banging our heads against the wall trying to make sense out of nonsense. Betting on potential is extremely dangerous, and if we are incapable of judging what sort of behavior indicates true potential then we would be the equivalent of an overexcited and inexperienced gambler who just doesn’t know when to fold.

Your thoughts?