Age-Gap Relationships

You know, when it comes to romantic relationships, they say “age is just a number”. Ipso facto, why do people make such a big deal about it?

I mean, if you dive into the celebrity world, large age-gap relationships seem to be the norm out there. Take Leonardo DiCaprio for instance. Forty-six years old, and his reputation for dating women that are 20+ years younger than him, has traveled far and wide, and it makes you wonder, “how the hell does an old geezer pick up women of that caliber?” Any charm that he once had, sank into the icy depths of irrelevance a long time ago, much like the titanic, making him good for nothing else except memorizing lines.

Now don’t even get me started on the likes of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, George and Amal Clooney, and many other couples just like them. What do they all have in common? Yup! You nailed it. They all have enough money to circumvent the negative PR effects of what us peasants might deem as “inappropriate” relationships, so, our views of age-gap relationships in this regard, are somewhat ambiguous. The very idea of dating someone this much younger or older seems so unnerving to us, and I dare say, even cringy, yet at the same time, we can’t help but feel some sort of admiration for their ability to make it work some of the time. Or, maybe it’s just me?

But what about those of us who don’t sleep in a bed made of money? If I told the world that I was in love with a twenty-year old woman, you can bet your bottom dollar I’d have Judge Judy plus the entire audience of “Jerry” wagging their fingers at me with condescending stares and exasperated sighs, and who could blame them? The fact of the matter is that in most cultures, being in a relationship with someone who is either much older, or much younger than us, is frowned upon. There are many reasons why this is the case, one of them being that we have a natural proclivity for being attracted to people that are around the same age as us. But, whether it’s morally right or wrong to be in a large age-gap relationship, and the biological and economic reasons why people choose partners that are much older or younger, I think we can tailor that discussion for another time. What I want to talk about, is the challenges associated with being in a large age-gap relationship.

I guess the most pressing question you might have, is whether or not it’s possible to maintain a large age-gap relationship for the long term. Despite my personal feelings about it, there is evidence that some of these relationships have gone the distance, while in other cases, they have not. It is important for us to understand however, that large age-gap relationships (and I’m talking at least 7+ years older or younger) have its challenges, much like any other type of relationship. Also, just like any other type of relationship, it takes a lot of work to maintain, albeit a different type.

One of the challenges of being in a large age-gap relationship, is having to deal with a lot of scrutiny, biased opinions and sometimes even blatant ridicule from family, friends and strangers. While this might be difficult to navigate at times, especially for people who are family oriented, believe it or not, it’s the least of your problems. But, make no mistake, it is by no means irrelevant or trivial, not by any stretch of the imagination. The problem with these types of relationships, is that people who are looking from the outside in, would initially assume that the relationship is most likely transactional rather than mutually-loving, and as such, might pass misguided judgement about the intentions of the individuals in that relationship. For example, a young women who is dating a much older man might be viewed as being a “gold-digger”, and associated with having serious “daddy issues”, while the man would be seen as the “sugar daddy”. Now, while there might be good reason to view a relationship through that lens, it is not always the case.

Having said that, if you are in an age-gap relationship, isolating yourselves away from friends and family due to a fear of being judged, is not a wise step in making your relationship work. We all need a support system, and there is no better place to get it. However, it is important for you not to allow the opinions of other people to influence the way you feel about each other, or to dictate the decisions that you make with regards to your relationship. Now, I am not saying that the opinions of friends and family do not matter at all. I am saying that when it comes to your relationship, your own opinions are most important. Even if your loved ones do not approve of your relationship at first, it is entirely possible that they would eventually. The only way in which you can showcase to your friends and family how happy you are and that your relationship is working for the both of you, is by keeping them in your life and communicating with them. Patience is key. Severing ties with your loved ones in order to be with your significant other is certainly not healthy and would surely end in disaster.

You know, there is another saying, “With age comes a certain perspective”, and in age-gap relationships, that “perspective” can present a serious problem if it’s not properly vetted. And what that means, is that superiority and inferiority complexes if not kept in check, can completely railroad the relationship. If you are the older partner for instance, developing a superiority complex can result in you becoming controlling, and believing that you know better than your partner. The power imbalance that comes from being an insufferable “know-it-all” inevitably causes you to either view your partner as “immature” and start treating them like a child, or to try getting them to think and act as though they were the same age as you.

Conversely, if you are the younger partner, developing an inferiority complex can result in you acting like an overgrown baby. This will inevitably cause you to either become a full on rebel, or become completely docile, to the point where you cannot even speak up for yourself, which I think, is even worse.

This transition from being partners to becoming a literal parent-child relationship, doesn’t just indicate your inability to accept your age difference. It indicates your inability to manage your expectations, as well as to understand that you are dealing with an individual who is unique in their own way. Their experiences may be a lot different to yours. They may have a lot of different interests, and their value systems may not be the same as yours either. Then again, if your core values do not align with each other’s, then the chances of the relationship working out is basically piss-all anyway. I mean, it’s all about compatibility isn’t it?

As the older partner, there is nothing to gain from placing unnecessary pressure on the relationship by planning too far into the future and trying to force your partner into coming around to your way of thinking. At the very least, it would breed resentment from one, or even both of you. As the younger partner, there is nothing to gain from putting your partner on a pedestal and admiring the hell out of them, believing that they know what’s best for you whether you like it or not. Insecurities aside, if you are incapable of treating each other with the same level of respect and decency that you both deserve, then what is the point? Why are you even together?

Age-gap relationships just like any other type of relationship, must be able to develop some sort of equilibrium, and the only way that can happen is through constant and careful communication. In order for your relationship to grow, you need to accept that each person is going to be bringing something unique to the table, and that despite your age difference and experiences, there is still a lot that you can learn from each other. Of course things aren’t going to be perfect, but once you’re on the same page, I believe that the relationship has the potential to go the distance.

Your thoughts?