12 Signs That They’re Just Not That Into You

About a month ago, I was hanging out with a friend and he was going on about a girl that he had been seeing for a while. As his story unfolded, I could not help but notice that despite the fact that ever so often he would wine, dine and then sixty-nine, he never called her his girlfriend, nor did he want anyone else to know that they were dating. Not his other friends, not his family. This, in addition to other things prompted me to ask him, “Do you like this girl”? He replied, “I’m not sure”.

Come on now. What the hell does that even mean? If I’ve learned anything from my dating experiences, it’s that attraction, commitment, and relationships are all binary. Ones and zeroes. Black and white. It’s either one or the other. When it comes to relationships, it’s either you’re all in or you’re all out. It’s either you like them or you don’t. There is no grey area. There is no in-between. I mean, you can’t be a little pregnant right?

Despite the fact that we can usually tell when someone is not interested in us, a lot of the time we choose to ignore the signs because we think that we could Jedi mind trick people into becoming our ideal partner. We end up sacrificing and compromising our boundaries and values, hoping that one day we would come off like a fat rat in a cheese factory with all the downplaying and the shitty rationalizations. Believe me, I get it. We want the fantasy. We want to do whatever it takes to win them over completely, so we stick it out. The thing is, an invitation to “stay as long as you like” is NOT an invitation to stay as long as you like. This is why we heed the signs, so that we don’t outstay our welcome in relationships that we’re not supposed to be entertaining.

There are a gazillion telltale signs that a person is just not that into you, but in the interest of time I’m only going to list twelve. If you notice even one of these signs then I don’t need to tell you that it’s time to get to flushing.

1. They’re keeping you a secret.

Yup! I did my fair share of ducking down in the backseat of cars and hiding in supermarket aisles because my date didn’t want people seeing me, and let me tell you, it was beyond humiliating. If you’re dating someone and they’re very squeamish about you meeting their friends and/or family, hell even their coworkers, well that in itself is a barking cat. And don’t you dare fall for the “I’m just a very private person” excuse. Let me put it another way. Anybody that can drag your tongue out in the dark behind a taco shed but won’t so much as hold your hand in public, well it’s safe to say they’re just not that into you. Flush!

2. Your relationship revolves around sex.

There are two things that you absolutely don’t need in order to have a great time out. Alcohol and sex. Suffice it to say that if most or all of your time spent together ends with shagging, then they’re definitely not interested in your winning personality. There is far more to a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship than a good shag. Now if that’s not what you’re really looking for, might I suggest flushing twice?

3. They are always too “busy”.

Yeah, no. If someone truly is interested in you, they would find a way to spend time with you or to check in. Period. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to prioritize two things at the same time, therefore if your relationship is taking a backseat and your partner’s excuse is that they’re too busy, they are correct. They are too busy wasting your time. Flush!

4. They blow hot and then cold.

These are people who come on strong in the beginning of a relationship, love-bombing the hell out of you and then all of a sudden they withdraw for long periods, ignoring outreaches, taking hours to days to answer a text message, making you a slave to your mobile and confused by their abrupt change in behavior. God forbid you try talking to them about it when you finally see them, only to have them take the high road and accuse you of putting unnecessary pressure on them. These are people who clearly do not know what they want and therefore should not be dating. Flush!

5. You are confused about where you stand in the relationship.

If you are confused about where you stand in your relationship, if you are even in a relationship or not, or you get the feeling like you're wasting your time, energy and possibly money, then your alarm bells should be shrieking GET OUT!

6. They are full of excuses.

Don’t get me wrong. I love a good story as much as the next person, but if they always have some story to explain why they’re constantly falling short of expectations, or why they couldn’t do what they said they would do, or be what they said they would be, then it’s pretty clear that they are full of shit. This is someone who has issues taking accountability and would always put the blame on someone or something else. Definitely not a good candidate for a long-term relationship. Flush!

7. They say they love you and want to be with you, yet they cannot leave their partner.

Commitment issues much? I don’t think I have to explain why pursuing someone who already is in a relationship or married is such a genius idea. I’m sure you will be able to get there on your own. Like I’ve said before, don’t make the mistake of thinking that you could be the exception to their rule of shady behavior.

8. They are extremely insecure and jealous.

Nothing is wrong with being a little jealous or insecure in your relationship. I don’t know anyone who isn’t. The problem however starts when your insecurities and jealousy issues become the third person in the relationship. People who are like this tend to be very controlling and possessive with a constant need for validation. Their demeanor is that of a pouty child, and once you engage with these types, the longer you stay, the harder it would become to leave. They are not only emotionally unbalanced, but they would manipulate you through tantrums, guilt-tripping, silent treatment, airing out their dirty laundry and sometimes even self-harm. Don’t wait till it reaches this point before you start running for the hills.

9. The only time you hear from them is when they need something.

Doesn’t have to be money. It might be for other favors, sex, a shoulder to cry on. Every interaction is centered around them, and while you might think you’re just being nice and supportive, you are in fact being exploited. People like this would not show up for you in the same capacity because the relationship is essentially on their terms. Flush!

10. They do not treat you like a priority.

Someone who isn’t investing the time and energy and the one thousand other things required to make your relationship grow and prosper is just not serious about you. Don’t settle for being treated like an option.

11. They future-fake their way through the relationship.

Future-fakers are people who pretend that they’re going to have a future together with you only to get what they want in the present. This is actually a form of manipulation (a topic which I might actually pursue later). The reality is that they’re just not that interested in you. Since they know that they won’t be around for the long haul, they will tell you everything you want to hear in order to mask their true intentions. But make no mistake, when they have had their fill and they are done with you, they would have nothing but contempt for you afterwards. They will get ugly.

12. They only really start trying when the relationship is in jeopardy.

If the only time you see real effort is when you threaten to leave or you start showing up for someone else, then it’s a clear indicator that they’re just not that into you.

I know what you’re thinking, “If they’re not that into me why don’t they just come outright and say it”? That’s cute and all but here’s the thing. Assclowns are not going to just come forward and fess up about their ulterior motives because if they did, we would tell them to get to stepping, at least I hope we would. We don’t need verbal confirmation of someone’s disinterest in us in order to act.

Someone who is genuinely interested in you would not waste your time with mediocrity and ambiguity. Someone who genuinely wants to build a long-term future with you will not be hanging out in the doorway with one foot in and one foot out. They would know exactly how they feel, what they want and they would be consistent in their actions. Ignoring red flags isn’t going to result in any good outcome. We have to trust our intuition and try making the best decision possible with the information that is in front of us. No relationship is worth sacrificing the very essence of who we are. Whenever we do make sacrifices however, they must be beneficial to both parties in the long-term.

Your thoughts?